Author: admin

Be yourself

But don’t share too much

Or show too much

Or feel too much

Or need too much

Be yourself

But don’t be too much

But you’re not enough

God

Why do you have to be yourself?
You make everything so tough.

Don’t change yourself

That’s pathetic

Embrace yourself

But lose this personality

Brighten your smile

Be everything all at once

Why confront?

Live in denial.

Be yourself

But don’t share too much

Or show too much

Or feel too much

Or need too much

God

You’ll never be enough.

You’re too much

Get over yourself.

You hold yourself to an

Impossible standard

But you reach the sky you’ve painted above the real cottoned blue anyway

You drive yourself, and use your tears

They’re the grease that runs this machinery

You’ve done it,

Again.

I am not surprised.

You hold yourself to an

Impossible standard

But you hate to be told what you cannot do

And so, you’ve soared above, again.

Above the real blue.

I’m struggling to remember
The way 
That you sound
I try to meet you in dreams
The feeling lingers but
You never stay around
The mental image
Fades 
Ever so slightly
It’s subtle, but I can tell
That I’m struggling. 
I’m struggling-
To remember you well.

Recently I’ve noticed it
Now so ever than before
That I don’t miss you enough
And that I miss you so much more.
That I miss how it feels
To not miss it all
I whisper your name
And no one answers my call.
I pretend you’re sitting somewhere
Watching me through a little shuttering telescope
Receiving my letters
In the space telegram
Smiling at the thought that you’re not alone 
As we both fall down this downward slope.
And that you write back to me
The papers are just lost somewhere
In the mail.
But I’ll wait for them to come
And to read all that they entail.

I’m struggling to remember
But I cannot forget
And if I’m being honest
Now so ever 
Than before
I’m scared that I don’t miss you enough
And that I miss you 
So much more.

Letters to you,
Letters from me,
Unanswered yesterday,
Today will be the same.

Drunken waves drown this vice
Through fog yellowed by the lonely monolith
The empty horizon before him lies
And he knows he stands alone.

And so, the lighthouse man stands there stilted
The flowers for his wife 
Rot in his hand
Having long since wilted.
The intoxicated mirage
Of crashing waters
He wonders whether his eyes betray him 
Perhaps- his heart does
A tear caresses the side of his face, 
His fingers shake, as he reaches 
But cannot be bothered to wipe the trickling salt away

Standing at the edge,
He takes a step
His arms open;
Rather majestic.
He welcomes the prospect of this new home.
And sinks, clothed but his heart held naked.

His lungs surrender the fleeting air.
Into the dark abyss as he falls
The mouth of this sea, a monster he becomes, 
Into the monster he crawls
it receives him with a woeful shudder, 
And as the lips close on rusted hinges
His wound with salt slowly singes

The sea soon breathes the sky bare
It drinks as wine- the darkness there
Becoming one, they unite
They put him asleep
The fog no more 
Is yellowed with light.
It is not but a moment, 
Before the endless expanse continues 
To feast on the horizon in sight
No trace of anything, not ship. not sigh.
The parents of his children are now but the night.

Everytime our lines go cold
I grow a little afraid
I think
Maybe this was the last chance I had
To prove the fool my heart has made
Everytime we end our conversations
I think the end is near
It usually never is
But this time
This time, I fear
I know, or atleast I think
I think the end is here
But then I spoke to you today,
And I thought I proved myself wrong.
Yet, as we spoke
I realised what I had perhaps known all along
I will always be a friend to you
I’ll always have a friend in you
It just took me a while to see
What it is we already feel
The end is not a moment.
It is not a destined time, nor a final day
It is just when two people
Who loved but outgrew each other
Go their separate way
As I spoke to you,
I knew
That I loved you once before
And that I love you still
But the way I loved you once before
I perhaps never again will.

I missed my train,
To wait for you.
When you came,
As you always do
You took the next one,
Leaving me at the station.
So I ran and ran,
Heart in hand,
Teary-eyed,
Face in sand,
Telling myself you must not have noticed me standing there for you.

But I know,
That as you brushed me by
You waited for me to meet your eyes
So you could see me 
Try to conceal my surprise
As I watched you walk away, again.

I heard someone say
That the one in love wins
No matter if he loses
For loving is a winner’s sin
But I am no winner
For no matter the trains I have to miss
I lose myself to take your side
Denial is a river
And I'm swept 
And I’m lost
And I drown in your tide.

I'm afraid I'll only learn 
When all the trains I could have taken
Leave me 
At this empty station.
When all the times I could have run
I ran to the bullet 
Instead of away from the gun.

The one in love so rarely wins
The truth is
Loving is but a loser’s sin.

The Sun shines a sharp

Sickly bright

I’m caressed in artificial yellow light.

The wind carries the smell of rain.

You hold onto my tears

Then shed them on this ungodly plain.

I tell myself-

I am free

But I see only what you want of me

You switch these sets when I’m sleeping

But I always hear your footsteps creeping

I have no choice

No red. No blue.

My life is just this game to you.

You call this prison,

This Hell- my shrine.

The truth is,

I was yours before I was ever mine.

I’m changing myself
I can’t recognise
She has my face
It’s an ugly disguise
All the lies that I tell
I’ve been put on the shelf
They’re bidding for us
And I’m never going to sell

I feel this shame
Knowing that we’ll never be seen the same
And that I resent you for it
And that I blame this game
This game
That you’re not even playing
But somehow still winning.

I resent that word
And all it entails
But I strive and kill myself to be called
The winner.
The winner takes it all
And where there’s a winner, there is someone who has lost.
Who am I to deny
The loser takes the fall.

In my mind it’s all the same

Years and years-

Seated at the same game

If I’m being honest though,

I’m afraid I don’t talk about you enough

And that maybe not now

Not today, but soon

I’ll slowly forget these pieces of my past

Because from what I’ve been told

It likely doesn’t last

But as I find myself writing to you

These letters, these words-

I know that you knew

Through it all,

All I could ever need you to.

Letters to you,

Letters from me,

Unanswered yesterday,

Today will be the same.